It's hard to find a date. When you just got divorced, it can seem impossible to keep your mental health, family responsibilities, and dating life in balance. Here are 5 expert tips for men who are dating again after divorce.
It's hard to find a date. Dating after not dating in a decade or more is even harder. When you just got divorced, it can seem impossible to keep your mental health, family responsibilities, and dating life in balance.
People who have been divorced for a long time have been through a lot of changes in their lives since they were last single. They also have a lot of new feelings to deal with and new dating rules to learn. For many men who have been divorced, these changes include having children. Many men feel like dating isn't worth it, so they spend all their time with themselves, at work, or with their kids.
And while I don't like to use the "50% of marriages fail" statistic because it's too simple and doesn't give enough information, a lot of people are in the same divorce boat. This article is meant to encourage you to pick yourself up, keep your head up, and try dating again.
After a serious relationship, it's natural to want to jump back into the fun, mushy middle of dating. On a divorced dating site, you might want to get together with the first person you talk to. But real relationships don't work that way. They need to go through four stages: the social, the connection, the comfort, and the closeness stages.
This is the first time we've met. It could be through a dating app, a social event, or through your friends' friends. "Hey, it's nice to meet you! How long have you lived in this city?"
Connection is when you realize you have things in common and want to see each other more. "Yes, small children can be hard. But it's great that your kids like soccer too. The next soccer practice might be a good time for our kids to meet up and play soccer.
Comfort—This is when you are in the so-called "honeymoon phase," when you lean on and support each other and share more of your thoughts and feelings. You can be more honest about your baggage. "I didn't think I'd find someone to Netflix-and-chill with again, and it's so nice to just binge-watch TV in sweatpants again!"
Intimacy means being together for a long time. Both of you have been honest and open with each other. You are close both physically and emotionally. You finally have the friend you've been waiting for. "I felt like I was broken and would never be put back together. Thank you for giving me space and being there for me. Where do you think we should go on vacation next year?"
People who have been divorced often want to skip to the last two stages because that's where they were before and what makes relationships great.
This needs to be done in two steps. The first is to use the people you know to help you get back out there. I don't mean you have to start dating right away, but you should get out there. People tend to want to stay inside and sleep, and even if they did want to go out, they wouldn't know where to go. Ask your friends to take you places, and when they do, say "YES!" Ask them if they know anyone who might be a good friend for you. Even though it can be awkward, everyone wants to help their friends.
The second part is controlling how you feel. When we lose the main person we talk to, we lose a lot of that. She was the person you went to when you won something, when you lost something, and when you wanted to talk about ideas for your next story. When all of that is gone, it can make us feel lost. Men aren't very good at opening up, and it may have taken us years to be completely honest with our partners. Now, you need to build or use your network to get this done. Join a "Lord of the Rings" film forum if you used to geek out with her over the movies. If you went hiking together, find other hikers who like to talk about the smallest details of trailheads.
This one is new and hard for people who just got out of a relationship, especially if the last time they tried to date online they used the abbreviation A/S/L, which stands for age, sex, and location. My friend who just got divorced sent me a screenshot of some of his Tinder chats, and I felt so bad for him because at least two of the people he was talking to were bots and he was trying to be funny with them. So, even though we're smart, when it comes to our feelings, we have blinders on.
