10 Self-Assessment Questions to Consider Before Delivering an Ultimatum

Last updated: Sep 9, 2022
10 Self-Assessment Questions to Consider Before Delivering an Ultimatum

Ultimatums include breaking up with someone and seeing someone else, leaving a shared house, or delaying engagement or marriage until a change is made.

It's normal to want to warn someone you're dating if they don't live up to your standards that there will be repercussions if they don't change certain things. However, presenting an ultimatum might occasionally have more negative effects than positive ones, so it's important to think carefully before doing so.

Ultimatums include breaking up with someone and seeing someone else, leaving a shared house, or delaying engagement or marriage until a change is made.

Eight of the 22 offers in one study that examined them were the consequence of the woman issuing an ultimatum. The males were persuaded to make a proposal by the danger that their spouse might leave.

Although it's wise to use ultimatums rarely, there are ten things you should consider before issuing one.

self-assessment questions

1. Do I Have What It Takes to Execute the Demand?

If you're going to threaten to leave your spouse, move out, or take any other harsh action if they don't fulfill specific requirements, you should be ready to follow through on that threat.

If you don't, you're actually issuing a false, ineffective threat to them. Instead, express to them how their actions are impacting you. Aim to avoid making threats to leave the house if the other person doesn't do their fair share of the tasks. Instead, try saying, "I feel stressed out and abused when you leave me to handle most of the duties." 

Whether you give your partner an ultimatum or not, an attentive partner will be concerned about your feelings.

2. The ultimatum: Is it plausible?

When we desire our partner to change, there are occasions when we genuinely want a different person. For instance, it is unrealistic to put pressure on your partner to obtain a solid work if they are an artist who prioritizes following their goals over having money. You would be better off ending the relationship amicably if that is essential to you.

By imposing your own desires and beliefs on them with statements like, "You need to get a 9-5 job, or I'm leaving you," you leave them feeling let down as you wait for them to live up to expectations, they have no intention of reaching.

Instead, try adding, "Having a spouse with a consistent salary is vital to me. That doesn't seem to be one of your objectives. Is that accurate? They'll let you know if that's something they'd like to improve about themselves.

Delivering an Ultimatum

3. Am I Behaving Angrily?

People may say things to their spouses during arguments that they do not truly mean in the heat of the moment. At this point, an ultimatum might be issued: "I've had it! I'm out if this doesn't change”.

This type of fury makes it possible for us to convey ideas more harshly than necessary. According to one study, older couples who had been married longer had fewer arguments than newlyweds. When they did argue, they avoided exchanging blows and instead concentrated on coming up with solutions.

Take a break from the talk if you're upset and finding it difficult to treat your partner with kindness. Going for a walk and returning once you feel you have regained some self-control is one technique to achieve this.

4. Is My Partner Putting Work into It?

An ultimatum may be unnecessary and overly harsh if your partner is already aware of how their actions are upsetting you and is making efforts to modify them.

For instance, it may be more beneficial to support them in their efforts if they have problems honoring their promises but have made an attempt to do so by scheduling time for you in their schedule and returning your texts more quickly. Online counselling is an alternative choice that can assist you and your partner in improving both yourself and your relationship.

Recognize the work they've already put in and offer new tactics to keep moving forward. Due to the fact that they won't be anxious or resentful, this can even inspire them.

5. What Motivates Me to Issue This Ultimatum?

It's crucial to think carefully about your intentions before issuing an ultimatum. Some people use ultimatums to feel powerful. You could believe that if you put your relationship in jeopardy, your partner will go above and beyond to win your favor. However, you likely want your partner to be making an effort to make you happy out of want rather than necessity. Genuine intimacy and care cannot be achieved by keeping them in a state of dread. It wouldn't hurt to spend some time thinking about if you might need to make some improvements to yourself as well.

6. How Would I Feel If I Attained My Goals?

What if your partner decides to comply with your demands and takes your ultimatum seriously? What would you think? Go for it if you believe it would make you happy and fulfilled. Perhaps you think you could feel bad for putting pressure on them. Perhaps you're concerned that if they comply with your requests, it won't be for their own sake. You might want to be careful what you wish for in these circumstances.

7. What if They left? How would I feel?

A person issuing an ultimatum could want to feel in charge because they have the power to break up the relationship. However, there are situations when people are shocked when their partners breakup with them after being given an ultimatum. Your partner may respond by saying, "OK, I don't want to change, so let's break up," if you tell them you can't stay in the relationship if they don't change.

Would you be at peace if this occurred knowing that you are in fact incompatible? Or do you regret issuing the threat in the first place? If the latter, issuing an ultimatum might not be the wisest course of action.


8. How long will I wait to achieve my goals?

Ask yourself if you need it now or if you're willing to wait if you're frustrated that your partner isn't ready to move the relationship forward—whether that means moving in together, getting engaged, or getting married. An ultimatum is appropriate if there is anow-or-never choice.

However, if you're okay with things taking a bit longer than you'd like, consider whether your partner appears to be progressing toward being prepared for this step. If they are, wait rather than attempting to force it right away.

9. What Am I Actually Feeling at the Moment?

Anger and threats of violence can occasionally be used to cover up a deeper emotion. It would be more beneficial to be vulnerable and let your spouse know how you're feeling if you're genuinely feeling really wounded because they're not giving you the attention you need. Because you're not putting your spouse on the defensive, taking the time to engage with them typically results in their listening more intently than when you issue an ultimatum.

10. How Would I Feel if I Were in Their Shoes?

Whenever you and your partner are at odds, it can be helpful to imagine yourself in their shoes. Perhaps there are components of the problem that you are missing, or perhaps enabling yourself to see things from their point of view can enable you to comprehend how a deadline might affect them. Even if you disagree with someone, strive to preserve respect for their viewpoint at all times.

A Final Remark

Since it has the potential to make or break your relationship, giving an ultimatum is not something that should be done carelessly and is best saved for the very last resort. Consider giving it some thought and first talking to your partner about your worries and frustrations. 

It could be time to move on and find someone else who can meet your requirements if you don't feel heard even after issuing an ultimatum. No of your age, you can always find a new mate. Start out slowly and with kindness by using a few dating apps, such as Zoosk or Our Time. There is someone out there who is your ideal partner.